I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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