Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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