He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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