So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
