i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
