I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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