There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
