Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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