I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
