im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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