i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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