my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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