Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
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The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
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and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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