i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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