i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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