and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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