Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
