You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
