Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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