The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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