wakey wakey hands off snakey
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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