I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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