My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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