took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
