Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
