if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
