11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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