he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
My balls are so social today.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
