I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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