my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
