I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You pole danced in your parka.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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