I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
