It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I wish they made helmets for livers.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
