I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
