a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
