there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
