I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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