about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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