Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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