I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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