apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
