when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
