after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
