we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Boobs are out for the taking
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
