I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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