oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
