She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
