Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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