So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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