I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
