Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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