When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
