I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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