my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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