Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
