I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
