a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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