jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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