You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
