I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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