is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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