my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
